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Tag Archives: Fiction

Letter – a work of fiction

Dear Julie,

     I couldn’t help but notice how nice your hair smelled today.  It was so beautiful in the sunshine, it took all of my self-control to not run my fingers through it.  I also couldn’t help but notice that you had lunch with that man again, I thought that my previous letters would have alerted you to how disastrous a relationship with this person might be, surely he could not love you as much as I do, but that is beside the point, I am sure you will realize that I am right on this point.  Have you told him about me?  Silly me, asking such questions, he would know better than to intrude on our relationship.

     I have been trying to decide what I would get you for your birthday this year.  I never see you wearing the earings that I bought you last year.  I have been trying to think of something more personal, something that you can cherish, something to remind you of my love.

     The first time we met my life changed.  You were so young and beautiful.  You were wearing that little pink sweater.  I remember how pretty your hair was in that ponytail,  I thought it a shame that you cut it all off.  I know you didn’t mean it to be hurtful to me, after all, I did say how much I liked it.  I am glad that you are growing it out again.  It’s much better looking when it is long.  It would have looked so beautiful streaming down your back at graduation.  But that was a long time ago, I barely knew you then, not like now.

     I hate to keep harping on about it, but that man you had lunch with… he is so much like that boy you were dating back then.  Richard something or other.  I tried to warn you about him.  You wouldn’t listen then either, I don’t know if you know, but I finally had to talk to him, I mean, really, even then you knew that we were destined to be together.  I know you had to have your fun, but he was getting a little too serious, he thought he could steal you from me.  I hope this one doesn’t make the same mistake.  Richard whatshisface just wouldn’t believe me when I told him you were mine.  Even after you moved away, I knew you were getting away from him, you knew that I would find you, no matter where you went.  The connection between us is too strong to ever be broken by miles.  Richard didn’t have that connection with you.

     Anyway, that’s all in the past.  We are the future.  I should go now, I will see you soon anyway, but I wanted to tell you that I love you and think of you always.

                                                                                                                                     Love and Devotion,

                                                                                                                                     Your Secret Admirer

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The Truth About Social Self-Concept

This is not an easy post for me.  My last little post was optimistic, but it was not really how I was feeling.  Yes, I have been having an interesting week, and yes I have  had many great ideas, however, I have not been able to act on many of those ideas.

The truth is, I have not been liking myself this past week.

I am in a new place where I don’t know anybody.  I have never really had that  many ‘friends’ per se, but I usually have people who know me and who accept my eccentricity, despite the nature of eccentricity, mine is rather consistent.  That is no longer the case.  I find myself having to explain myself once again.  There is nothing quite as disheartening as justifying why I am the way that I am.  And, no, I can’t just ‘be normal’, it is far too late for that.

For all that I have learned so far in my life, I am still frozen in fear when faced with a job application.  Somehow I find it difficult to fill those darn things out.  How do you explain gaps in employment in three lines of ‘additional information’?  How do you explain that you haven’t known someone for two years but that  you know more about them after two hours of real conversation.  How do you ask that person to be a reference?

How do you explain that you have a phone number from one state, a mailing address in another and a driver’s licence from yet another.  These have been the circumstances of my life for as long as I can remember.  In fact, I  have never lived at the address on my driver’s licence, but I needed a stable street address, I had to give the DMV my mother’s address.  Why can’t I stop moving?

I have no reason to stay other than to stay.

The jobs that I have had in the past – well, since the Navy – have been dissatisfying.  When I am hired, I am told the guiding mission statement for a company – and I believe it.  It all seems to make sense, yet as the month’s go by, a corner is cut, a shortcut is taken, the bottom line comes to light.  I find that I no longer respect the company I am working for… I move on.

Does that make me a runner?  I guess so.  Perhaps I have held on to the dream of purpose and of pride in accomplishment.  I like to think that it is more important to lose a sale and keep the customer than the other way around.  I like to think that people are more important than  profit margins…. this does not make me a team  player.

I have hidden in academics, a way to avoid disappointment in the working world, but more and  more, the lines are blurring.  Textbook costs are through the roof, teachers are disenfranchised by limitations on what they can teach, they are stressed about how to stretch their  paycheck a little further because number crunchers say that it is more important to buy the new computer thn it is to invest in creative minds.  Frustration rolls down hill and students seek a piece of paper rather than information and education.  Conversation and curiosity dies.

I fill out applications for jobs that minimize my exposure to hu,man beings, not because I don’t like people, but because I don’t want to have to explain why I am the way that I am.  I don’t want to be asked why, if I am so smart, why am I doing this job or that job when the answer is very simple.  I need to eat.

I think about applications, and then job interviews and I wonder where I missed the lesson on the ‘right answer’.  Is there such a thing.  What do  they want to hear?  What do you want to hear?  What do I want to hear?  It all gets so complicated… I want to hear silence.

I have tried to stop apologizing for myself, but in this case I am sorry to be so morose.  Normally I am pretty good with me, but on paper it is difficult to see much that is redeeming.  I guess that is what happens when you only look at the bottom line.

 

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Potential and Waste

I had an interesting conversation today.

It was about a person’s potential.  How can you determine how much potential an individual has?

This is a serious question… I really want to know.  I never thought of potential in terms of limits or boundaries, I have always associated it with desire and drive.  This man today said that I was a trouble maker.  I’m not a troublemaker – maybe a troublefinder, but not troublemaker.  I speak my mind and he told me that I would never be taken seriously because I was too ‘uppity’, and ‘fiesty’.

Can someone translate that for me?  I know it wasn’t meant to be a compliment, but I still can’t see the problem.

Oh, and JJ found this article in The Press Democrat (San Fran area  paper) and knew I would love it, I do, and I want to share…

cool article

I like this guy!

I am working on another  episode of Generations, so don’t think that I have forgotten about that, it is coming soon, I am starting to settle into a home rhythm so I should be able to get back into my writing rhythm.

Hope all is well.

 
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Posted by on April 20, 2010 in Confessions

 

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Brain Negotiation and Navigating the Psyche

I am still somewhat lost, however, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel (is that a candle I see?).   Thank you for your patience and understanding.

As I said, I have been shuffling files, I have been trying to do this for about five month’s now but have managed to put it off.   For someone as scattered as I am this procrastination results in the inability to find anything, ever.

It started with a picture that JJ was talking about.  He wanted to show it to someone and as I am the keeper of all things digital, I had  produce it while the story was still fresh.  Big Question:  Which computer?  What folder?  Did I even name the dang thing?  I found it, but only as a matter of luck.

This was taken in New Mexico:

Next to a convenience store in the middle of the desert

Next to a convenience store in the middle of the desert

This is one of about 1700 pictures from the road trip that JJ and I took late last year.  None of which were sorted by location, date, or any other semblance of order.  In essence, I dumped the contents of the digital camera on not one, but two computers….and then proceeded to copy from one computer to the other.  All in all, it is a big messy tangle of pictures.

Repeat this tangle for the music files and documents and you will see my predicament.  Anyway, I wanted to talk about self-concept (I don’t want to stray too far from my path again).  Whilst strolling through my saved ‘single web files’ I came across ‘Self-Concept’ according to the Encyclopedia of Psychology:

  1. Personal Self-Concept facts or one’s own opinions about oneself, such as “I have brown eyes” or “I am attractive”.
  2. Social Self-Concept one’s perception about how one is regarded by others, “people think I have a great sense of humor”.
  3. Self-Ideals what or how one would like to be:  “I want to be a lawyer” or “I wish I were thinner”.

First of all, I hate their examples.  I understand that there is a need for vagueness in examples, but come on… they are talking about SELF-CONCEPT.  My eyes are blue but I really don’t care.

When I think of myself I think “I am a basket-case” or “I am inquisitive” or “I am a self-educator”.  As for other people’s perception of me, I can only guess that they would involve descriptors such as: “strange”, “crazy”, “hyperactive” and lest I forget “sucking black void of negativity”.  I’m still not over that one.

As for the third part of Self-Concept, I was caught by the definition trap.  There are a few different definitions for ‘ideal’ not to mention the various conjugations, (Ideology, Idealism, Idealistic… etc.)  I won’t give you all of the definitions, however, the two in my *handy-dandy for ‘ideal’ are:

Adjective

  1. existing only in the mind, imaginary
  2. of or relating to perfection

noun

  1. a standard of excellence
  2. one regarded as a model worthy of imitation
  3. goal

I would hope for examples that are deeper than a teaspoon.  The original definition (French origin, “existing in the mind”) leaves quite a bit of wiggle room.  But, when I think of Psychology and Encyclopedias, I expect more of an educational approach to definitions.  For example, as a student of Psychology, my mind jumped to the ‘Id’ as in ‘the Id, the ego and the super-ego’.  The ‘Id’, according to psychoanalysts, exists in the subconscious mind and deals with instinctual needs and desires.  Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see anything instinctual about wanting to be a lawyer or thinner.  I guess this definition was not written by a follower of Freud.

So, with this thought still fresh in my ‘ego’ (*the organized conscious mediator between the person and reality) I continued sorting through files… and a few things clicked together in my brain – the loose strings of Plan D.  I will explain, but not all at once. I don’t want to go off the deep end again.  So, thus begin-eth…

The Question of Self-Concept



 
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Posted by on April 18, 2010 in Confessions

 

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random flash-fiction

So I am still going through my cracker-jack box of computer files and I came across this little story I did for a flash-fiction assignment a billion years ago. The general consensus then was that it was ‘weird’. I remember that it was the middle of the night when I wrote it (at a 24 hr Coffee Shop that sadly is no longer). I have not changed a single word for this posting – I am sitting outside of a grocery store, plugged into their wall, borrowing their wifi and it is coming up on midnight.

So, kamikaze publishing – I think that is a ‘new’ thing I will add to this blog. Wadda ya think?

NUMBER 25 BUS

She stepped off the curb, the bus was so close, there was no way it could miss her. Just like that, she was gone. She floated in darkness, aware of her mind and nothing else. She felt warm, that came later. She didn’t panic, not at first, she just hung there, suspended. Number twenty-five, the bus was number twenty-five, she didn’t know why she knew that, or why it was important.

The day had started off normal enough, nothing special. She had dressed for work, caught the train downtown and stopped for coffee as she always did. Her boss was congenial, even if he was a bit of an ass. She chatted with the women, this one had a new grandson, that one was getting a divorce. She paid her bills during her lunch hour, contemplated getting a manicure after work, booked a weekend at a ski resort.

Her boss left early, around three. He said it was for a meeting, but the HR lady had seemed a little too friendly when she walked out of his office at two-thirty. She called her mother and relived another conversation, the same one they had every week since she had dropped out of college. She hung up promising to call again the next week.

She turned off her computer, put on her coat. It was red and had faux fur around the collar. She had been happy when she found it at the Goodwill the winter before last. On her way out, she stopped to flirt with the lawyer in the next suite. He was married, but fun to chat too.

She had dinner alone at an Olive Garden, it was located in a strange place. Crammed into the corner amongst office buildings, no other stores or restaurants nearby. They had a good house white, she had two glasses with dinner. The sun hadn’t set when she left, the streets were not as busy as they would be had she waited another hour.

That’s when she saw the bus, she don’t know why she decided to step out. It was just something to do. She didn’t think of death, or injury. She did not think of heaven or hell. She just stepped out. The bus number was twenty five, the same age as she was, odd.

 
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Posted by on April 12, 2010 in Short Fiction

 

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A Preface to the Question of Self-Concept

     I have three lap-top computers.  To most people, that is a bit excessive.  Considering how non-computer literate I am, some might wonder how I became that person… well, it all started with a Toshiba, an LCD screen, a highly priced case of very low quality and a road trip.  Somewhere along this road trip, my Toshiba met with tragedy.  A single point of impact, a spiderweb of cracks,  and only a third of a functioning screen later – I bought my Acer Mini-PC.

     The Acer is a neat little computer, friendly – except with anything that involves audio – but generally gets a lot of compliments on its cuteness.  The problem with the Acer:  It is SMALL, which is good when I have it strapped to my back and I am riding my bike, but not so good when I have to  read a textbook online.

     Which brings me to my HP Pavilion 9000, which I bought – used – from someone who didn’t know its value.  This wonderful computer, my dream lap-top in fact,  came Microsoft Vista, which some may know has its problems.  My Norton AntVirus subscription ended taking with it my ability to log onto the internet.  While Windows 7 promises to solve my internet-woes, I cannot log on and download the severely discounted (and about all I can afford) Student Edition.  Sadly, the Acer, in all of its cuteness, does not have a CD-ROM drive.  Sigh.

     I do have a point in telling you all of this sad tale.  You see, with only one out of three PC’s functioning entirely – I have been shuffling files.  I have a lot of files…. I very rarely delete something I have downloaded/ripped/written/critiqued/edited…etc.  While surfing through curiosity of the past, the proverbial light bulb came on.

I am gleefully clapping my hands like  little girl singing “I want to share, I want to share” but before I do so , I must bypass the detailed dissections of Plans B, C and D and just come out and tell you what they were.  Afterall, that is where all of the files came from.

  • (1998-2004ish) — Plan A (some may recall) was Politics by way of the Navy.
  • (2004 – 2006)  —- Plan B – removed me as far as possible from Plan A – The American Academy of Dramatic Arts in Hollywood, CA  http://www.aada.org/home/home.html
  • (2006-2008½)  – Plan C – Brought me back to school in order to study ‘the sciences’ I had neglected in the past.  Ironically, I had hit a creative wall when writing a science-fiction story – I didn’t understandthe ‘science’ in my story, but I knew it ‘sounded’ good – sorry, the ‘Because I said so…’ defense does not fly with the scifi. 

The next leap does require a little explaining as there were several factors involved.

  1. The right side of my brain was feeling abandoned.
  2. Individuals with the misguided belief that ‘science’ was superior to ‘art’
  3. A general accepted belief that ability in one meant inability in the other
  4. Tutoring https://missfionna.wordpress.com/2010/03/20/when-does-it-start/
  5. ‘Science’ professionals at the VA Hospital insisting that the answer to all of my problems would be the addition of another medication
  • (2008½- late 2009) –Plan D – alternated between two  equally valid and interesting paths,
  1. The use of Acting Techniques in therapeutic use when treating PTSD
  2. A supplementary education program combining academic studies in a comprehensive, context based forum. (how’s that for a pitch-phrase???)  Basically, a conversation that explains how everything fits together. 

Luckily, both these areas could benefit from a single foundation.  I began a degree in Psychology. 

     Which brings me to 2010 where I am venturing into Plan E, which consists of no real plan other than to just keep going with whatever comes along – and above all, FINISH SOMETHING.

Wow, after all that I sure hope my ‘sharing time’ is worth it….  I’ll let you be the judge of that.

 
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Posted by on April 12, 2010 in Coffee Shop Whore?, Confessions

 

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A New Episode

Happy Easter!

     Well, I have finally posted episode three.  I am trying to keep each episode rather short, especially in the beginning as there are many new characters – one or two per episode.  I will be adding character descriptions to the main page (Generations) beginning with Chapter Two, I hope you will bear with me.

     Tonight I find myself in Redding, CA.  JJ, Bailey and I are recovering from a Blizzard – and I don’t mean ice cream.  Our plan to escape the cold and wind back-fired on us.  We almost became stranded on the I-5 going over Mt. Shasta.

     Stressed and tired, I will end this post and hope to once again dream of the warm and wonderful Bayou.

Fionna

 
Comments Off on A New Episode

Posted by on April 4, 2010 in Confessions

 

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