Day Jobs and Life Callings

         16 days ago I  had a job interview; 15 days ago I was offered a job; 14 days ago I accepted the job, and 13 days ago I posted about authenticity (rather, I was easing into the concept of authenticity).  12 days ago, I started the job that I now view as the ‘entry-level position’ to my life calling.

            Now, before I get too far into the ‘job’ post, I have to tell you something about the past year. 

                                    I discovered Existentialist Philosophy.

I had planned on a gradual and detailed account of these new insights, but, well… abstract half-thought… to be continued…  The important thing now is the idea of authenticity.

            Those who have read my posts of the past know that I try to live my life openly, honestly and without reserve.  For many who meet me in person, this can be a little unnerving and overwhelming at times.  At times I have doubted the wisdom of my choices.  When I discovered the existentialist concept of authenticity … vindication!!!!!

            So, segue completed, circling back to my new job.  I am happy to report that I love my day job.  I am working as an Instructional Assistant at a high school.  My duties include:  taking notes for students who, for various reasons, cannot take notes for themselves; help students organize assignments and complete assignments in a timely manner; find new and interesting ways to explain confusing or difficult material, and assist instructors in non-academic ‘chores’ that detract from quality teaching time.

            Many of the students I work with remind me of a teenage me.  Some have unusual learning styles, some have a single-minded focus on one subject, and sadly for some, life has taught them lessons not found in a classroom – lessons no child should have to learn. 

            High school the first time around made little impact on me academically.  It was an escape or a chance for creative exploration through theater and music, but rarely was it inspiring on an intellectual level.  I appreciated concept and significance, while the faculty appreciated memorization and regurgitation.  I rarely went to class.

            Now, after all this time, I get to experience a little bit of high school again.  I finally made it to US History and I can truly appreciate how far my country has come in such a relatively short period of time.  I feel a renewal in my optimism.  I also have the privilege of sitting in on a fundamental English class.  I finally understand the ‘comma-splice’.  I know, I know, its basic grammar, but I must have been absent the day they taught subordinating, coordinating and correlative conjunctions because I have been faking it and passing the buck to ‘grammar check’ for years.  I was in BAD FAITH!!! (I just had to throw in another term from existentialism).  So, while my posts may be a bit irregular for a while, I am taking notes and forming thoughts.  

 

Retrospection

            My decision to blog again has much to do with the tenth anniversary of 9/11.  I didn’t go into detail about how that day influenced my life in my early posts, truthfully, I skipped the experience entirely.  Everybody has their own version of that day, and each one carries a unique burden in that experience.  Those experiences should not be trivialized or diminished as so often happens when comparisons are made.  I have held my memory of that day close to my heart, protecting it from cynicism and recrimination.

            I avoided all media exposure on the anniversary.  Instead, I sat outside in the sunshine and read a romance novel, avoidance in a truly self-indulgent fashion.  When I had read the last page and the sun had dropped below the horizon I felt ashamed.  Without my distractions I began to feel that I had desecrated the sanctity of that day, that I had disrespected the memory of the lives that were lost.  Some days later I read a memorial blog that changed my perspective.

           From ‘Ephemera and Pseudo-Events’ by J.N. Nielsen:

                        “An anniversary is an arbitrary thing – the length of a year is utterly arbitrary – but it is natural to want to commemorate a loss, as it is natural to want to celebrate some joyous occasion. … To memorialize an event is to prevent its repetition, the render it singular, although we must relive the trauma in each memorialization.  Failure to memorialize an event means that it will be visited upon us time and again, though we will be spared the retraumatization of the continual consciousness of the event.”

             My experiences of that day have shaped every aspect of my life, but not in a negative way.  I honor the memory of that day by living each subsequent day with deep appreciation in my heart.  When I remember that day I don’t linger on images of destruction or fear, I am overcome by the humility and compassion I felt all around me.  I tremble not with grief, but with awe.  Remembering now feels like a renewal of hope, and hope and shame cannot coexist.