This is not an easy post for me. My last little post was optimistic, but it was not really how I was feeling. Yes, I have been having an interesting week, and yes I have had many great ideas, however, I have not been able to act on many of those ideas.
The truth is, I have not been liking myself this past week.
I am in a new place where I don’t know anybody. I have never really had that many ‘friends’ per se, but I usually have people who know me and who accept my eccentricity, despite the nature of eccentricity, mine is rather consistent. That is no longer the case. I find myself having to explain myself once again. There is nothing quite as disheartening as justifying why I am the way that I am. And, no, I can’t just ‘be normal’, it is far too late for that.
For all that I have learned so far in my life, I am still frozen in fear when faced with a job application. Somehow I find it difficult to fill those darn things out. How do you explain gaps in employment in three lines of ‘additional information’? How do you explain that you haven’t known someone for two years but that you know more about them after two hours of real conversation. How do you ask that person to be a reference?
How do you explain that you have a phone number from one state, a mailing address in another and a driver’s licence from yet another. These have been the circumstances of my life for as long as I can remember. In fact, I have never lived at the address on my driver’s licence, but I needed a stable street address, I had to give the DMV my mother’s address. Why can’t I stop moving?
I have no reason to stay other than to stay.
The jobs that I have had in the past – well, since the Navy – have been dissatisfying. When I am hired, I am told the guiding mission statement for a company – and I believe it. It all seems to make sense, yet as the month’s go by, a corner is cut, a shortcut is taken, the bottom line comes to light. I find that I no longer respect the company I am working for… I move on.
Does that make me a runner? I guess so. Perhaps I have held on to the dream of purpose and of pride in accomplishment. I like to think that it is more important to lose a sale and keep the customer than the other way around. I like to think that people are more important than profit margins…. this does not make me a team player.
I have hidden in academics, a way to avoid disappointment in the working world, but more and more, the lines are blurring. Textbook costs are through the roof, teachers are disenfranchised by limitations on what they can teach, they are stressed about how to stretch their paycheck a little further because number crunchers say that it is more important to buy the new computer thn it is to invest in creative minds. Frustration rolls down hill and students seek a piece of paper rather than information and education. Conversation and curiosity dies.
I fill out applications for jobs that minimize my exposure to hu,man beings, not because I don’t like people, but because I don’t want to have to explain why I am the way that I am. I don’t want to be asked why, if I am so smart, why am I doing this job or that job when the answer is very simple. I need to eat.
I think about applications, and then job interviews and I wonder where I missed the lesson on the ‘right answer’. Is there such a thing. What do they want to hear? What do you want to hear? What do I want to hear? It all gets so complicated… I want to hear silence.
I have tried to stop apologizing for myself, but in this case I am sorry to be so morose. Normally I am pretty good with me, but on paper it is difficult to see much that is redeeming. I guess that is what happens when you only look at the bottom line.