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Monthly Archives: May 2010

Media Misunderstanding and Modern Inspiration

I firmly stand by the idea of Escapism…. especially when I don’t like myself very much.  I have been irritating myself recently, delving into self-pity more than usual, and that is just a waste of time.  So, as a way to occupy a few hours of my time, I decided to watch a movie.

One thing that I am not sure I have mentioned before:  I take movies VERY seriously.  I give myself over to the story completely, I take no aspect of the creative process for granted.  I savor lighting, camera angle, score, dialogue…. ALL OF IT.  I view movies as vehicles for emotional exploration.  To me, there is no such thing as a bad movie, for that label is much to vague.  Much like every other statement or opinion, I want support and specifics.  There are very few movies out there that I honestly view as ‘perfect’.

When I feel like my life is difficult or that I am fighting against terrible odds, the true obstacle is (as Richard mentioned in his comment) my perspective.  Specifically, I have come down with a case of the ‘poor, poor, pitiful me’ narcissism.  The perfect cure for this ailment:

If you have not seen this movie, I definitely recommend it.  The fact that is a true story only makes it that much more of an inspiration.

I am in awe at the power of the song, Amazing Grace, more so in the story of the man who wrote it.  But I am humbled beyond measure and forever grateful for the man who was inspired by it.  For those of you who are not familiar with the movie, it is the story of William Wilberforce, the politician who dedicated his life to ending the slave trade in Great Britain.

It is possible for one person to change the world.

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Posted by on May 28, 2010 in Confessions

 

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No Witty Title

I surf various blogs on various sites and I am amazed at the imagination and creativity of people.  I wonder if the medium of the internet is recognized by the ‘intellectuals’ of the world.  I wonder now if there truly is such a thing as an ‘intellectual’.

What does that mean anyway?

I don’t see anywhere other than the internet where ideas can be connected in new and interesting ways.  The real genius of modern society is available for anyone who knows where to look, unfortunately, it is not always easy to know where to look.

I have tried to find individuals in various fields, bloggers like myself, to share ideas with.  So far, only fellow writers have responded with any degree of interest.  And they say that writers are a solitary bunch… they are wrong.  In my experience writers thrive at meetings of the mind.

So, I am here, sending out my little plea for help.  I am in need of discussion on diverse topics.  I have become stagnant in my own mind and this condition only seems to worsen when I ‘cold call’ or search blindly for someone to ‘talk’ to on any given issue.  For example, I would have loved further discussion on Self-Concept but it just did not happen.

I just passed a blog milestone, over 1,000 visits to the site.  I thought that by the time I reached that marker that I would be comfortable with the blog and that I would have found a theme.  I feel just as unsure as I was the first week or so, I actually think that I have gotten worse at the whole thing.

I don’t know, maybe this insecurity will pass, maybe tomorrow I will wake up and have something I want to say, but right now… I think that right now I have been done in by reality and the abstract and insight are lost to me.

I see the spark in other blogs around the world wide web, I feel the teasing warmth of inspiration, I sense Truth hiding around the corner but my reflexes are slow and I can’t grab hold.  I would rather put forth posts full of ideas and passion, not posts such as this one, confused and numbed by the pressures of the world.  But as it is, that is where I am, this is what I’ve got.

 
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Posted by on May 25, 2010 in Confessions

 

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The Sub-Genre’s of Life

I apologize for my silence this past week and for my sporadic postings in the past couple of weeks.  As I mentioned before, I have been trying to find a job.  I still have not been successful in that endeavor, however, I do not view the time spent as a waste.  I have rediscovered some skills that I have not put to use in recent history.

Previously I also mentioned my past employment disappointments and difficulties.  While I may have once viewed these experiences as failures, they too have taken on a new light.

I was able to help someone this week.

When I think of instances in my life where I have been of help to another, I usually think of instances in which ‘helping’ was a part of my job – tutoring, for example, or customer service.  I have been known to run to the grocery store for an elderly neighbor or make a meal for a sick friend, but this week… this week I helped a friend keep his home.

While I won’t go into detail, I will say that it has been a very long time since I have felt this at peace with my professional past.  Thanks to my varied background I speak and understand Lawyer, Doctor, Government, Social Worker, Therapist… and I have the ability to translate terminology and jargon into English.  I think that is a pretty cool skill to have.

Again I apologize for my absence, but I did not want to divide my attention or energies and risk making a mistake or letting my friend down – you guys know how quickly and easily I can get off track.  I should be better this week.

Hope all is well,

Fionna

 
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Posted by on May 21, 2010 in Confessions

 

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Multiple Applications and Slowing Down

At this moment I have five tabs, two windows, a PDF file and two word documents open.  While this slows the Acer down considerably, that is the price I must pay for ‘borrowing’ a WiFi connection.

Sigh!

It strikes me that this is how I live my life a great deal of the time.  I have to wonder at my ability to collect ‘To Do’  items all at one time.  That wasn’t a well constructed sentence, but that only further emphasizes my point.  MY PROCESSING SYSTEM IS SLOWING DOWN!!!

One week ago today, I was aimless and without direction.   I was without transportation, cable, internet, a good book and sadly, a computer charger (I left it in the truck) and to top it off,  I was all alone in the Wilderness (my travel trailer… although I was also out in the boonies… so either way).

Today, I have a million things going on, all scattered in various different avenues of thought, subject and purpose.  It is coming up on 11pm, and my day is NOT approaching completion.  So much to do, so little time — for now anyway — next week, I may have finished my ‘To Do’ list and once again be aimless and without direction.

When I worked full-time I had a balance and a routine.  Since going back to school my routine has a duration of a single quarter.  Three month’s of a schedule is barely enough time to settle, never mind achieve balance.  Since I have been out of school and traveling I have forsaken  both balance and routine.  In many ways I am glad that both disappeared, I did not appreciate either one when I had them – even disdained them at times.  I now see their value and hope one day soon to call them my own once again.

Hope all is well,

Fionna

 
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Posted by on May 12, 2010 in Confessions

 

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The Return of Optimism

So, I have been going through the VERY extensive online application for Office Team and it turns out that I have a lot of experience in a lot of different fields. And wouldn’t you know, some of my supervisors from ages past are surfacing – a few even as a result of this very blog – how cool is that?
Once I get through this ‘phase’ I promise to get back to a regular blog posting schedule. I much prefer abstract and creative to responsible and realistic. But like I said before… I gotta eat.

Hope all is well,
Fionna

 
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Posted by on May 10, 2010 in Confessions

 

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The Truth About Social Self-Concept

This is not an easy post for me.  My last little post was optimistic, but it was not really how I was feeling.  Yes, I have been having an interesting week, and yes I have  had many great ideas, however, I have not been able to act on many of those ideas.

The truth is, I have not been liking myself this past week.

I am in a new place where I don’t know anybody.  I have never really had that  many ‘friends’ per se, but I usually have people who know me and who accept my eccentricity, despite the nature of eccentricity, mine is rather consistent.  That is no longer the case.  I find myself having to explain myself once again.  There is nothing quite as disheartening as justifying why I am the way that I am.  And, no, I can’t just ‘be normal’, it is far too late for that.

For all that I have learned so far in my life, I am still frozen in fear when faced with a job application.  Somehow I find it difficult to fill those darn things out.  How do you explain gaps in employment in three lines of ‘additional information’?  How do you explain that you haven’t known someone for two years but that  you know more about them after two hours of real conversation.  How do you ask that person to be a reference?

How do you explain that you have a phone number from one state, a mailing address in another and a driver’s licence from yet another.  These have been the circumstances of my life for as long as I can remember.  In fact, I  have never lived at the address on my driver’s licence, but I needed a stable street address, I had to give the DMV my mother’s address.  Why can’t I stop moving?

I have no reason to stay other than to stay.

The jobs that I have had in the past – well, since the Navy – have been dissatisfying.  When I am hired, I am told the guiding mission statement for a company – and I believe it.  It all seems to make sense, yet as the month’s go by, a corner is cut, a shortcut is taken, the bottom line comes to light.  I find that I no longer respect the company I am working for… I move on.

Does that make me a runner?  I guess so.  Perhaps I have held on to the dream of purpose and of pride in accomplishment.  I like to think that it is more important to lose a sale and keep the customer than the other way around.  I like to think that people are more important than  profit margins…. this does not make me a team  player.

I have hidden in academics, a way to avoid disappointment in the working world, but more and  more, the lines are blurring.  Textbook costs are through the roof, teachers are disenfranchised by limitations on what they can teach, they are stressed about how to stretch their  paycheck a little further because number crunchers say that it is more important to buy the new computer thn it is to invest in creative minds.  Frustration rolls down hill and students seek a piece of paper rather than information and education.  Conversation and curiosity dies.

I fill out applications for jobs that minimize my exposure to hu,man beings, not because I don’t like people, but because I don’t want to have to explain why I am the way that I am.  I don’t want to be asked why, if I am so smart, why am I doing this job or that job when the answer is very simple.  I need to eat.

I think about applications, and then job interviews and I wonder where I missed the lesson on the ‘right answer’.  Is there such a thing.  What do  they want to hear?  What do you want to hear?  What do I want to hear?  It all gets so complicated… I want to hear silence.

I have tried to stop apologizing for myself, but in this case I am sorry to be so morose.  Normally I am pretty good with me, but on paper it is difficult to see much that is redeeming.  I guess that is what happens when you only look at the bottom line.

 

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When it Rains it Pours

I have been having a very interesting couple of days. Many great conversations, even more great ideas, but sadly very limited internet connection.  I broke out the notebook and number two and have gone to town.  Today’s post is brought to you by the kindness of a stranger.  In desperation, I knocked on a door and asked if i could use their internet.  Much as I love the countryside, there are a few drawbacks.  I am going into the ‘city’ tomorrow, so I will have a couple of goodies for word cravers… and I have a challenge for the writers amongst us, details to follow, but all those curious… bust out your dictionaries, Alphabet Fiction has arrived.

Anyhoo, I am keeping these nice people from their dinner, so I am going to scoot.  Thank you all for your wonderful comments.  You Rock!!!

Hope all is well,

Fionna

 
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Posted by on May 4, 2010 in Confessions